Patriarch (wisdom at age 59)
Having found myself as the oldest member of my branch of the family, it occurs to me that the burden is now on me to pass along knowledge, advice, and family legacy. Through the years I have received wisdom from my parents and grandparents, from my wife and children and friends, from my business career and partners, and from my daily existence in the world. While I have made many mistakes along the way, I have been lucky enough to receive great lessons in living, which allow me to feel completely fulfilled in my life and accomplishments.
I can think of dozens, perhaps hundreds, of lessons worthy of sharing, but many of these are probably best learned via your own experiences. However, I have found a few lessons to be utterly profound, learnings acquired over many years, concepts that I wish I had embraced as a much younger man. I feel obligated to share them. As the years go by, I may share more, but for now, these matter most.
1) You will find that you have gifts.
It may be that you can sing a song, or tell a joke, or write a poem, or throw a ball, or paint a picture, or sell things or grow a tomato. You may or may not be good at math, or writing, or sports, or entertaining, or business. But you will find that you have gifts, things that you are able to do well that others are not, things that you enjoy doing that others may not.
I implore you to notice these gifts and to exercise them. It may be that some of your gifts are mere hobby, or that you begin them with a fervor that dissipates over time. Then again, it may be that your life’s passion grows from your gifts — it may be that the arc of your life follows a pathway enlightened by them. So you must nurture your gifts and allow them to prosper and become integral in your life. For if we do not embrace our gifts, we spurn the gods that bestowed them, and we deserve the resentment of those not blessed with them.
Life is short. Gifts are few. Exalt in them. And thou shalt be whole.
2) You will encounter special people.
Throughout your life, you will meet a few people truly worthy of your time and attention. Friends will come and go as your personalities, interests and activities evolve. Hopefully, you will enjoy the thrills of romance, and hopefully you will survive the heartbreaks that may come with it. But unlike many relationships that fade, you will encounter a few people with whom you should experience life together.
I implore you to notice these people and do everything in your power to nurture your relationships with them. It may be that life detours a friendship, as college and careers and family may create distances between you. But for the right people, and you’ll know who they are, you must reach out, respect, reconnect, do whatever is needed such that they know you care.
I especially implore you to notice the man or woman with whom you might share your lifetime. It may be that conditions aren’t quite right when you first meet, but you will know that there is something different, something essential, that commands you to seek a relationship. It may be that she already has a boyfriend, and you may need to wait patiently for an opportunity and then strike quickly (which is what I had to do). But if you’re lucky enough to find the one, you must take your best shot, because it is more fulfilling to live a life well-shared than a life alone, and as life is such a beautiful odyssey, you’ll want to share it with the right person.
Life is short. Spend it with the right people. And thou shalt be joyful.
3) You will seek purpose for your life.
As you progress into adulthood, you may seek achievement in sport, in academics, in romance, in business, or perhaps none of the above. You’ll probably feel pressure to advance towards a career and a paycheck, and then to advance steadily within your career. You may find yourself enthralled by the pursuit of great achievements, whether by position, or accolade, or the ever-growing size of your paycheck. Along the way, you may (and I certainly hope you do) embark on building a family of your own. But while career and personal achievements may be satisfying, and may give you a feeling of purpose, you may one day seek a higher purpose and lament having spent too much time and attention on your career.
Instead, I implore you to continually reevaluate your priorities and to proactively manage your life to match your priorities. It is easy to succumb to the pressures of bosses and clients who demand your attention, and it is easy to succumb to the rat race that demands you earn ever more money. I know of many people who were over-devoted to their careers, taxing them with family issues, health issues, and broken spirits. I can assure you that the thickness of your wallet is not worth some of the efforts required to fatten it. I can also assure you that, except for a very few exceptional people, your career achievements will not outlive you — in fact, most of them will quickly fade after you retire.
I especially implore you to focus your attention on your family, including spouse, children, parents and siblings — all of them. These are the people who will appreciate your gifts and stories, both while you’re alive and long after you’re gone. Find ways to spend time together. Tolerate vexing behavior and strive to build harmony. Create opportunities for fun and adventure. Show them that you love them, often, and tell them so too. It won’t always be easy, but your family relationships can be your most worthy purpose.
Life is short. Figure out what’s truly important. And thou shalt be fulfilled.
4) You will want to leave a legacy.
It is the nature of humanity that we carry on a lifelong search for purpose and meaning. Most of us are not content to merely live the day, instead striving to scuff the earth, to leave our mark as having lived. You might achieve this via building a business, or creating works of art, or writing a book. Of course, the best reminder of a life well-lived is to leave behind a vibrant and loving family. But beyond family, you’ll want to leave behind an abundance of stories, to be retold time and again throughout your life and beyond.
I implore you to live big, to take chances, to venture into the ridiculous, because life is more fulfilling when you’re making great stories. Camping with the boys is fun, but it’s not a story. Growling at raccoons in the night to rescue a bag of snacks, while wearing only underpants, is a story. When having a party, make it audacious — they won’t all be memorable, but some will live on in infamy. When taking a trip (bike, hike, vacation), go too far — you’ll eventually make it back and probably with better stories. When planting a garden (literally and figuratively), plant too much and add a few oddities — you won’t eat it all, but it creates possibilities.
And then, having created your stories, I implore you to preserve them. By whatever means you can, pass along your stories, whether by photo, video, written word or simply retelling them ad infinitum. Our stories are what define us as people and as a family. They help pass along our family persona and values through the generations. As children come of age, they must be continually tortured to hear the adventures and transgressions of their elders. It is an essential part of their learning how to tackle life and to live well.
Life is short. Live big. Share your stories. And thou shalt live forever.
Please know that when I say that life is short, I’m speaking as someone who has seen the far side of most of life’s major events. While you younger folk may see life stretching endlessly in front of you, the more major milestones you pass, the shorter it will seem to you too.
Regarding my gifts, I took too long to embrace writing as a gift and I’m working to remedy that now. I continue to enjoy my other gifts, like my ability to commune with children, as Dad, Mr. Bill, Uncle Bill, and now Grandpa Bill. In the coming years, I hope to explore a few gifts not yet revealed to me. While I already feel whole, I hope to have many remaining years to fill and I intend to remain whole throughout.
Regarding my people, long ago I let a few special people slip away - though our lives may have drifted apart anyway, I regret not having made better efforts to reconnect. I’m working to better sustain my relationships with dear friends and family, and to create and share experiences with them.
Regarding my purpose, I regret how I let my career hijack my attention from family and other worthy endeavors. Don’t get me wrong, I have enjoyed my work, but for a time, I felt that the only way for me to be acknowledged as having achieved was via career success. Thanks to my many teachers, I learned that there are many worthy successes, and I have spent many years trying to atone. I continue to work toward purpose and to encourage others to do the same.
Regarding my legacy, I try to work on it every day.
